Moral Obligations

There's in this one day I was in Q at a hospital pharmacy's cashier. One uncle was behind me. During my turn, the cashier politely asked for our name and Ic. no, which is a normal procedure to double check the data on the her system because after all we are buying medications. When I was about to finish the purchase, the uncle behind throw his atm card on the table and look at at the cashier expenctedly which she attended to him and ask for his Ic no and name. He just said nastily" isn't it on your screen ah" The poor cashier smiled and proceed with his purcahse

I left the pharmacy feeling really sorry for the cashier, curse and swear bout the uncle to Dennis. And then I thought why the uncle feel it is ok to act this way. Doesn't he mind people looking at him disgusted? Or that people will definately call him a bastard? Why doesn't he feel ashamed at all?

Then another time I saw people giving up seats to the elderly. I wondered again. Did the person did it because the people who saw it will think him as a better person or because it's the so call the " moral obligation". Who are really the ones who did it because they felt the fatigue and back ache of the elder person .

Did we say thank you because we meant it, or its just polite or we are truly grateful. I think nowadays we are do obligations, or impressions rather than do what we truly feel.

To be honest I m really those who found it hard to give up seats in the mrt. Because one, I hate standing, two my rides are usually long, three I hate it when I stand up to give up seat for an elderly, some auntie will dash past and sit on my seat then shut their eyes. I m most in dilema when a looking pregnant person is near me. Those who don look obviously preganant, I m afraid of going to them to receive a dirty look from them, at acussing them for being fat. Damn those baby doll dress.

I feel if i give up my seat it be because I m afraid of what people will think of me, which will be a disgusting hypocrite. But if I dun give up I will be inconsiderate ass , leaving the needy person standing. So nowdays, I m trying to imagine the aching pain at the back of the pregnant lady and the weak knees of the old gentleman when I give up my seat. Mind you sometimes its so embarrassing for them to reject you, then some other people sit at your seat...idiots!

The gal who spin and spin

I didn intend to sit here and post a blog. Not at all, I was about to fall asleep. But I feel thristy and wanted to grab a drink. But when I went down to the kitchen, I met my father who had turned off all the lights and was about to go to his bedroom. Normally I will be started by sudden apperaance by poeple in the dark. But my dad has shinny silver heair, so u will always know its him even in the dark.

My dad followed me around a bit to see if I m taking'unhealthy' stuffs to eat or drink. When he starts on the unehalthy aspect of soft drinks , I instintively turned and head back to the stairs to go back to my room. Then he ask, why r u so thin, how come you become so thin. You see you beocme so thin already. I raise you up fat, hw come you went skinny." I michievously turn around and replied "Ha Dad. You are the fat one la, haha then grin my way into my room.

But when the moment I was on my bed, I suddenly find myself tearing. Because my dad's hair never use to be so white, also he had never say I was skinny before, not in the same tone that he used when he piggy-back me to the clinic when I had my bad gastric pain at the time I was 8.

It all came flooding out .....

From the day when I was at our block's carpark I spotted him sitting in his van, wearing his old folk's specs, looking so lost holding his street directory. My heart freezed, to see him look so old and helpless already. I felt quite a pinch. When I got on to the van, he told me he was serching for a road name, I spotted it immediatley, it was right under his nose. I was abit unnerve by it because it use to be my dad to point things out to me, and say, see girl , it right under your nose. He was ever so sharp and have perfect eyesight.

From I caught myself staring at his and my mum's leathery skin, feeling they are out of place.

From I still want to always marvel about how my father is so intelligent mechanically, so strong that he can carry me and brother at his shoulder( of course when we were younger), forever alert and sharp.

From I still want to be amazed by my mom's ability to work tirelessly to her goals and how her mastermind some small business that she do to bring some more extra cash.
I am so scare of them becoming old. Because I don't ever want to lose them, or see them weakening. My tough parents. I

From I want to see them childishly try to push other away to get to their granson first. Like two young kid. And dance stupidly with made up music.

Thats why I resent growing up. My growing up is the cause of them growing old.

Me not needing them to take care of me when I m sick, me left them locked out of my room, me stay-overs at Dennis, me wedding plans and move out plans.

And our gifts to them, from self drawn card, shavers, lipstick to exp boots, shirts, tops and hangbags. Its like I left them old by proving I dun need to depend on them.

I think my dad really felt it. He keep asking to push the wedding year further and further, that our house has a room to stay in so no hurry to buy a house and which flats in my block is available for sale. He still call my name out in a tone like I was still a little girl and still refer me as Nu wang " queen"

One day he suddenly sighed and said "I can't keep you by my side anymore"

It hit a raw nerve because all along I still thinks myself as the little girl who likes to spin myself senseless at the living room thinking if i spin fast enough I will fly.

The little girl who sit at living room listening for the click of his keys.

The little girl who hug the big thigh of my dad's and let his leg lift me upand down while he walks
All these memories so fresh that I did not realise I had learned to lock my door from them, ignore their phone calls, turn away at their nags and stay out on weekends. I did not realise we had all move out. I subconciously still grabbed to the image, the Dad strong enough to lift me off the ground with his leg. It just come to a stand still there while the rest went elsewhere

It become so complicated now, so insecure, so guilty, so fragile and no turning back..................

我是一片云

Oh dear its so scary... went thru this website for some fortune telling. wasn't taking it too seriously. BUT!!! They had descrbve your struly in exact measurement. I have never been awed before by any of these fortune telling site, emails or shi fu. And nv felt the need to blog it.

Your life is represented by the cloud of power, which means you could be in power and unwilling to be constrained. You are somewhat of a perfectionist, and like kind and committed people. You are talented, outstanding, and enjoy literature, art, and other broad interests. However, execution ability is something you need to focus on. ◎Your characteristics, subconscious, and behavior modes, according to your fate and destiny, are represented by the cloud. You are born seeking perfection and have an interest in literature and many other things. You are talented and learn well; you have a quick reaction, sharp observation, and good analysis and communication skills. You like to find out the facts and reasons behind everything, and have unique analysis and judgement, but lack execution and action abilities. The cloud floats around from one place to another along with the wind, so your way of thinking is very active and creative because there are many things you want to do. The shape and appearance of the cloud is ever changeable, therefore you can adapt to a new environment with a different status and role. Regardless of how bad the situation can be, you gradually adapt and then eventually change the environment. You adjust quickly, but give the impression that you are not sincere with your words because you always say different things to please different people. The cloud flows continuously, hardly slows down, so you have a strong ability to think and plan, but less ability to take action. You have many expectations in life and the ability to improve, but hardly take the necessary actions. You like gentle and kind persons, dislike hypocrites, and admire those who are mature, responsible, trustworthy and keep their words. In your entire life, regardless of the flow or direction, you are always able to keep an innocent, true heart to overcome all kinds of difficulties.

Hmmm suddenly rem i blog once about the story of the cloud and the sun. Maybe thats why i feel towards that.

To collect a drop of rainbow at the end of the arch

Do you like rainbows? I certanly do. I always feel incredibly lucky to see a rainbow arch across the sky in all its magnificent colours. I believe a lot of people do too. We are touched by the multi colour display in one single arch. We think that as beautiful.

I believe that is why we are made into different colours too, yellow,pink,olive. black,brown and white so that we when we understand the beauty of each colour, we will be as beautiful as the rainbow. Everyone deserve their own space and respect in the arch. Now why don we give that a thought and never to kill a mocking bird.