Track or trail

Here I am doing some serious brooding in the wee hours of the night. As I can’t get it out from my head to let my body rest, I decided to use the modern technology in the form of PC to type my thoughts out. It’s not uncommon for me to do such thing. I’m known to be quite an eccentric individual.

Something has been bothering me. I can’t exactly put my finger on it but I suspect I have fallen into the same routine over some serious brooding phase I experienced nearly every half yearly.

My way of describing it will be this. A track running race, I start off fast and furious and fully confident of crossing the line. But after the awesome beginning, I feel the pull of all my internal organs, probably just lungs but you never know. I saw the end line was far off my mark. While struggling to along the way, I try hard to remember what the prize at the end of the race is.

I realize I don’t know what the prize is anyway so I slowed down considerably. Then I look around for my competitors, I realize there is none on the track except yours truly. Oh right, there is still the audience cheering you on. But damn it there is no one on the stands either. So I stop and ask myself why I am in this race for

? Why am I not running on a nice trail with tress to look at, flower to smell at, tree roots to trip from, slopes to navigate? A stadium track with only me, with a flat field in the centre, what is there to keep you running?

So I stop and ponder or rather, brood about it. But when I stop, I see people crossing the line and kept running on the same track back. They sure look like they know what the prize is. But I believe I don’t. I wanted to get out of the race but I know that is not possible. Only way is to keep on running.

Some will say I am lost, some will say I have no will power, some will say I should not run long distance if I have no stamina or simply I’m weird. But me when I re-read what I have type out from the top of my head, is that I am tired and I run out of motivation. And I do like to inject millions of doubts into my mind, because I have a brain that spawns questions and a heart that hates disappointment.

This may be the reason why I’m doing some insane amount of reading for the past few months. Perhaps just to peek into another world with a different view and feel detached from my own.

I wish after typing what I felt, I may get an insight. But truly there is none. At least I can’t when I’m about to doze off. Well , let’s hope for tomorrow then.