The gal who spin and spin

I didn intend to sit here and post a blog. Not at all, I was about to fall asleep. But I feel thristy and wanted to grab a drink. But when I went down to the kitchen, I met my father who had turned off all the lights and was about to go to his bedroom. Normally I will be started by sudden apperaance by poeple in the dark. But my dad has shinny silver heair, so u will always know its him even in the dark.

My dad followed me around a bit to see if I m taking'unhealthy' stuffs to eat or drink. When he starts on the unehalthy aspect of soft drinks , I instintively turned and head back to the stairs to go back to my room. Then he ask, why r u so thin, how come you become so thin. You see you beocme so thin already. I raise you up fat, hw come you went skinny." I michievously turn around and replied "Ha Dad. You are the fat one la, haha then grin my way into my room.

But when the moment I was on my bed, I suddenly find myself tearing. Because my dad's hair never use to be so white, also he had never say I was skinny before, not in the same tone that he used when he piggy-back me to the clinic when I had my bad gastric pain at the time I was 8.

It all came flooding out .....

From the day when I was at our block's carpark I spotted him sitting in his van, wearing his old folk's specs, looking so lost holding his street directory. My heart freezed, to see him look so old and helpless already. I felt quite a pinch. When I got on to the van, he told me he was serching for a road name, I spotted it immediatley, it was right under his nose. I was abit unnerve by it because it use to be my dad to point things out to me, and say, see girl , it right under your nose. He was ever so sharp and have perfect eyesight.

From I caught myself staring at his and my mum's leathery skin, feeling they are out of place.

From I still want to always marvel about how my father is so intelligent mechanically, so strong that he can carry me and brother at his shoulder( of course when we were younger), forever alert and sharp.

From I still want to be amazed by my mom's ability to work tirelessly to her goals and how her mastermind some small business that she do to bring some more extra cash.
I am so scare of them becoming old. Because I don't ever want to lose them, or see them weakening. My tough parents. I

From I want to see them childishly try to push other away to get to their granson first. Like two young kid. And dance stupidly with made up music.

Thats why I resent growing up. My growing up is the cause of them growing old.

Me not needing them to take care of me when I m sick, me left them locked out of my room, me stay-overs at Dennis, me wedding plans and move out plans.

And our gifts to them, from self drawn card, shavers, lipstick to exp boots, shirts, tops and hangbags. Its like I left them old by proving I dun need to depend on them.

I think my dad really felt it. He keep asking to push the wedding year further and further, that our house has a room to stay in so no hurry to buy a house and which flats in my block is available for sale. He still call my name out in a tone like I was still a little girl and still refer me as Nu wang " queen"

One day he suddenly sighed and said "I can't keep you by my side anymore"

It hit a raw nerve because all along I still thinks myself as the little girl who likes to spin myself senseless at the living room thinking if i spin fast enough I will fly.

The little girl who sit at living room listening for the click of his keys.

The little girl who hug the big thigh of my dad's and let his leg lift me upand down while he walks
All these memories so fresh that I did not realise I had learned to lock my door from them, ignore their phone calls, turn away at their nags and stay out on weekends. I did not realise we had all move out. I subconciously still grabbed to the image, the Dad strong enough to lift me off the ground with his leg. It just come to a stand still there while the rest went elsewhere

It become so complicated now, so insecure, so guilty, so fragile and no turning back..................