Momoru's Closet

Adult

2008-10-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

What changes you? What make you feel that you are in the next stage of life? Who determine that you are a child or an adult? Or rather it should be what determine that you are a child or adult. Is it by number or you term is as age or by your status like married, or single, ms mrs madam. All sort of terms that justified you as a child or an adult. I don’t really get it when ppl say that you are of such such age so you should be more…adult like or whatever kind of adult mannerism you should have.

No one asked if you are ready to be an adult. They will just term you by your status or age and as such you should behave according to the number of years you have been alive. Behaving like an adult is for the society’s wellbeing, it’s for the comfort for those around you, it’s for surviving in a working environment. It is not about you. That is why no one asked if one is ready to be an adult. That is why you change. That is why you move to the next stage.

It’s for others and not you.

Please Continue Next Page

2008-03-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

Ah, it has been a long time since I last pour myself into this part of me in cyberspace.
Somehow, this closet does not seem to belong to me anymore.

Maybe it’s because I have moved on to another stage of my life that seem really estrange with all this things I have written. Biker’s clothes into pink closet with daisies prints? But I’m no biker or a pink closet person. Haha

But I suppose I will need a closure to this chapter of my life and begin the new chapter in another blog.

Well, I guess its time flip to the next chapter.……..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Track or trail

2007-11-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

Here I am doing some serious brooding in the wee hours of the night. As I can’t get it out from my head to let my body rest, I decided to use the modern technology in the form of PC to type my thoughts out. It’s not uncommon for me to do such thing. I’m known to be quite an eccentric individual.

Something has been bothering me. I can’t exactly put my finger on it but I suspect I have fallen into the same routine over some serious brooding phase I experienced nearly every half yearly.

My way of describing it will be this. A track running race, I start off fast and furious and fully confident of crossing the line. But after the awesome beginning, I feel the pull of all my internal organs, probably just lungs but you never know. I saw the end line was far off my mark. While struggling to along the way, I try hard to remember what the prize at the end of the race is.

I realize I don’t know what the prize is anyway so I slowed down considerably. Then I look around for my competitors, I realize there is none on the track except yours truly. Oh right, there is still the audience cheering you on. But damn it there is no one on the stands either. So I stop and ask myself why I am in this race for

? Why am I not running on a nice trail with tress to look at, flower to smell at, tree roots to trip from, slopes to navigate? A stadium track with only me, with a flat field in the centre, what is there to keep you running?

So I stop and ponder or rather, brood about it. But when I stop, I see people crossing the line and kept running on the same track back. They sure look like they know what the prize is. But I believe I don’t. I wanted to get out of the race but I know that is not possible. Only way is to keep on running.

Some will say I am lost, some will say I have no will power, some will say I should not run long distance if I have no stamina or simply I’m weird. But me when I re-read what I have type out from the top of my head, is that I am tired and I run out of motivation. And I do like to inject millions of doubts into my mind, because I have a brain that spawns questions and a heart that hates disappointment.

This may be the reason why I’m doing some insane amount of reading for the past few months. Perhaps just to peek into another world with a different view and feel detached from my own.

I wish after typing what I felt, I may get an insight. But truly there is none. At least I can’t when I’m about to doze off. Well , let’s hope for tomorrow then.

2007-04-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Oh boy. This is how u discover your age. U unwittingly browse through your photo albums and in it you saw your recent year photos are mainly from some else's wedding.

And you happen to see your friends' friendster or blog and discover they went to many weddings too.

Its like age-defining trend.

Human are truly complicated

2007-04-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

Its ironic. When I have nothing much interesting going on, I pened down many entries in my blog. But when things starts to get interesting, I found it hard to settle down and arrange my thoughts into words. There is so many " I must blog it down" instances. But never the actual action. Next came the build-up, then now yours truly don feel the rush to blog down those moments anymore. Humans, ARE truly complicated...

So naturally today is quite an uneventful day, oh with the exception that my family sweet heart has learn to clap his tiny very chew-worthy looking hands, hence the blogging mood returns. Haha

What caught me today was I remembered that I m growing old..er . There I was staring at my reflection in the mirror when this question pops up, how do i look old. I m horrified by the imagined old me. Quite a curse to have vivid imagination in instances as such. So nest i have this conversation in my head.

Me:Oh God, what if no one wants me when i look like this
background~ old and lonely...old and lonely

Me: its ok I still have my personality

Me: ya right

Me ya I m very cute what

Me: haha ya I m cute what. wahahahaha

....ya

Bangkok 2006 12-16 Oct

2007-01-12T04:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah finally got my bangkok pictures up. I decided to make it a highlight of some sort. Maybe will do same for my 2006 highlight blog entry hehe. Went to a lot more places in 2006 so wanted to use the pciture to tell the thousand words.

Bangkok is truly unique. A place where the past and the future lump in together. I read in a book somewhere, Bangkok is not planned, its a place that just happens by itself. I couldn't agree more.Its long narrow street is filled with shops selling everything from odd amulets to fashion items.They have shopping malls, Paragon, WTC that are much more sophiticated than in Singapore but also very old streets with very ancient looking shops.

But smtimes the old streets are filled with new surprises. Like patpong night market is on a old street and sandwiched between many many pubs, strip clubs and "other"joints. If you look inside, you will catch glimpse of beautiful women dressed in skimpy whites, pole dancing in luminous lights in them.Their sales ppl will stand at the side of the crowded market trying to pull you in if you happen to glance in their direction. They are very sensitive to where your eyes land. haha

The 4 of us yaya, xing, Dennis and me all feel that the trip is fabulous. We shop till we drop with scary prices like 89 baht for a skirt (abt 4 dollars sgd), we ate from posh restaurants to road side stalls ( Ooh that sakuyaki), we took taxi and tuk tuk and went almost everywhere on our 4 days. Finally relaxing ourselves at Wat po's massage school. Tt is one of the most scary, painful plus shiok massage I ever had. Truly traditional massgae experienced!

Now me and yaya always feel a wrench buying clothes in SG and pine for that sukuyaki. Well till next time Bangkok! We will definately visit it again. Hopefully in 07!

It is with my deepest regrets.......

2006-12-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

The past will always be the present and the future. It will forever be in ur memories, ur sub concious and reactions. People who avoided it are trying in vain and people who avoid it are oni trying not being reminded of regrets.

So maybe, a life without regrets is without life itself.

Fa lalala lalalala

2006-12-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

One couldn’t say I didn’t have a good x’mas this year. I know it’s not x’mas yet but the holiday spirit has long plunge into my system. Not to mention the constant rain, which to me, mimic the snow in other xmas. Pity we can’t pick up the raindrop and throw into each other faces, but I had a lot of fun splashing rain water onto Dennis feet by jumping into puddles. Quite the puddle fight. We both return home with stinky wet feet. Yucks!

To add to the holiday spirit, Dennis surprises me by decorating my room with Xmas lights and decoration. He managed to outline a Xmas tree with the colourful bulbs on the wall behind our bed. Now we have to sleep on the side where we usually put our feet hahaha because it be wretch if the bells/star/ string of bulbs fall onto our head while we sleep.

The four of us, baby Le, my sis in law, Dennis and me, sit on the bed and stare at the lights with classic Xmas songs playing in the background. Fully indulging in the Xmas spirit.

Lovely, just lovely.

Moral Obligations

2006-09-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

There's in this one day I was in Q at a hospital pharmacy's cashier. One uncle was behind me. During my turn, the cashier politely asked for our name and Ic. no, which is a normal procedure to double check the data on the her system because after all we are buying medications. When I was about to finish the purchase, the uncle behind throw his atm card on the table and look at at the cashier expenctedly which she attended to him and ask for his Ic no and name. He just said nastily" isn't it on your screen ah" The poor cashier smiled and proceed with his purcahse

I left the pharmacy feeling really sorry for the cashier, curse and swear bout the uncle to Dennis. And then I thought why the uncle feel it is ok to act this way. Doesn't he mind people looking at him disgusted? Or that people will definately call him a bastard? Why doesn't he feel ashamed at all?

Then another time I saw people giving up seats to the elderly. I wondered again. Did the person did it because the people who saw it will think him as a better person or because it's the so call the " moral obligation". Who are really the ones who did it because they felt the fatigue and back ache of the elder person .

Did we say thank you because we meant it, or its just polite or we are truly grateful. I think nowadays we are do obligations, or impressions rather than do what we truly feel.

To be honest I m really those who found it hard to give up seats in the mrt. Because one, I hate standing, two my rides are usually long, three I hate it when I stand up to give up seat for an elderly, some auntie will dash past and sit on my seat then shut their eyes. I m most in dilema when a looking pregnant person is near me. Those who don look obviously preganant, I m afraid of going to them to receive a dirty look from them, at acussing them for being fat. Damn those baby doll dress.

I feel if i give up my seat it be because I m afraid of what people will think of me, which will be a disgusting hypocrite. But if I dun give up I will be inconsiderate ass , leaving the needy person standing. So nowdays, I m trying to imagine the aching pain at the back of the pregnant lady and the weak knees of the old gentleman when I give up my seat. Mind you sometimes its so embarrassing for them to reject you, then some other people sit at your seat...idiots!

The gal who spin and spin

2006-09-11T10:52:00.001-07:00

I didn intend to sit here and post a blog. Not at all, I was about to fall asleep. But I feel thristy and wanted to grab a drink. But when I went down to the kitchen, I met my father who had turned off all the lights and was about to go to his bedroom. Normally I will be started by sudden apperaance by poeple in the dark. But my dad has shinny silver heair, so u will always know its him even in the dark.

My dad followed me around a bit to see if I m taking'unhealthy' stuffs to eat or drink. When he starts on the unehalthy aspect of soft drinks , I instintively turned and head back to the stairs to go back to my room. Then he ask, why r u so thin, how come you become so thin. You see you beocme so thin already. I raise you up fat, hw come you went skinny." I michievously turn around and replied "Ha Dad. You are the fat one la, haha then grin my way into my room.

But when the moment I was on my bed, I suddenly find myself tearing. Because my dad's hair never use to be so white, also he had never say I was skinny before, not in the same tone that he used when he piggy-back me to the clinic when I had my bad gastric pain at the time I was 8.

It all came flooding out .....

From the day when I was at our block's carpark I spotted him sitting in his van, wearing his old folk's specs, looking so lost holding his street directory. My heart freezed, to see him look so old and helpless already. I felt quite a pinch. When I got on to the van, he told me he was serching for a road name, I spotted it immediatley, it was right under his nose. I was abit unnerve by it because it use to be my dad to point things out to me, and say, see girl , it right under your nose. He was ever so sharp and have perfect eyesight.

From I caught myself staring at his and my mum's leathery skin, feeling they are out of place.

From I still want to always marvel about how my father is so intelligent mechanically, so strong that he can carry me and brother at his shoulder( of course when we were younger), forever alert and sharp.

From I still want to be amazed by my mom's ability to work tirelessly to her goals and how her mastermind some small business that she do to bring some more extra cash.
I am so scare of them becoming old. Because I don't ever want to lose them, or see them weakening. My tough parents. I

From I want to see them childishly try to push other away to get to their granson first. Like two young kid. And dance stupidly with made up music.

Thats why I resent growing up. My growing up is the cause of them growing old.

Me not needing them to take care of me when I m sick, me left them locked out of my room, me stay-overs at Dennis, me wedding plans and move out plans.

And our gifts to them, from self drawn card, shavers, lipstick to exp boots, shirts, tops and hangbags. Its like I left them old by proving I dun need to depend on them.

I think my dad really felt it. He keep asking to push the wedding year further and further, that our house has a room to stay in so no hurry to buy a house and which flats in my block is available for sale. He still call my name out in a tone like I was still a little girl and still refer me as Nu wang " queen"

One day he suddenly sighed and said "I can't keep you by my side anymore"

It hit a raw nerve because all along I still thinks myself as the little girl who likes to spin myself senseless at the living room thinking if i spin fast enough I will fly.

The little girl who sit at living room listening for the click of his keys.

The little girl who hug the big thigh of my dad's and let his leg lift me upand down while he walks
All these memories so fresh that I did not realise I had learned to lock my door from them, ignore their phone calls, turn away at their nags and stay out on weekends. I did not realise we had all move out. I subconciously still grabbed to the image, the Dad strong enough to lift me off the ground with his leg. It just come to a stand still there while the rest went elsewhere

It become so complicated now, so insecure, so guilty, so fragile and no turning back..................

我是一片云

2006-09-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

Oh dear its so scary... went thru this website for some fortune telling. wasn't taking it too seriously. BUT!!! They had descrbve your struly in exact measurement. I have never been awed before by any of these fortune telling site, emails or shi fu. And nv felt the need to blog it.

Your life is represented by the cloud of power, which means you could be in power and unwilling to be constrained. You are somewhat of a perfectionist, and like kind and committed people. You are talented, outstanding, and enjoy literature, art, and other broad interests. However, execution ability is something you need to focus on. ◎Your characteristics, subconscious, and behavior modes, according to your fate and destiny, are represented by the cloud. You are born seeking perfection and have an interest in literature and many other things. You are talented and learn well; you have a quick reaction, sharp observation, and good analysis and communication skills. You like to find out the facts and reasons behind everything, and have unique analysis and judgement, but lack execution and action abilities. The cloud floats around from one place to another along with the wind, so your way of thinking is very active and creative because there are many things you want to do. The shape and appearance of the cloud is ever changeable, therefore you can adapt to a new environment with a different status and role. Regardless of how bad the situation can be, you gradually adapt and then eventually change the environment. You adjust quickly, but give the impression that you are not sincere with your words because you always say different things to please different people. The cloud flows continuously, hardly slows down, so you have a strong ability to think and plan, but less ability to take action. You have many expectations in life and the ability to improve, but hardly take the necessary actions. You like gentle and kind persons, dislike hypocrites, and admire those who are mature, responsible, trustworthy and keep their words. In your entire life, regardless of the flow or direction, you are always able to keep an innocent, true heart to overcome all kinds of difficulties.

Hmmm suddenly rem i blog once about the story of the cloud and the sun. Maybe thats why i feel towards that.

To collect a drop of rainbow at the end of the arch

2006-09-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

Do you like rainbows? I certanly do. I always feel incredibly lucky to see a rainbow arch across the sky in all its magnificent colours. I believe a lot of people do too. We are touched by the multi colour display in one single arch. We think that as beautiful.

I believe that is why we are made into different colours too, yellow,pink,olive. black,brown and white so that we when we understand the beauty of each colour, we will be as beautiful as the rainbow. Everyone deserve their own space and respect in the arch. Now why don we give that a thought and never to kill a mocking bird.

The Fool : Leap of Faith

2006-08-31T06:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a depressing day, week, month , year...... and what have you. The gloom lurking has suddenly consume me.

I dun recall I have ever been so depressed other the wierd period of my sec school life where by sunday will be my " talk to me and I 'll bite your head off" day of the week. Sundays still sting me a little but i never went back to that dark period, where i have organised mood swings.

Moody has nv been tagged to me by my friends. I believe I have high surface EQ. Folks not in my own house will never get to see me in my wierd tantrum and unexpalnable change of mood. I go from total isolation to banging everything posiible. Many of the times no rhyme or reason.

But this week has been out of the range gloomy for me. I feel something erupting in me. This stupid gastric prob that make me try to change my life style and diet and burn my patience. I m sick of all the preaching, doc diagnosis and medication. They dun seem to understand i m suffering from their not sure diagnosis and unavailable answers. i think i m giving them up. They just manage to depress more than the illness does.

The title of my blog originated from tarot meaning of the card FOOL. every week i was emailed a card's meaning. And I have no doubt why the fool is a symbol of the leap of faith.

To live a lifetime for a moment of brilliance

2006-08-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

I m so sleepy. Its 4 am and I can't zzz. No thanks to ms bloaty tummy.

There seem to be a million thoughts that flash through my mind in miliseconds, who need meteor showers. Sitting alone at night is bad for mental well-being. The silence of the night create the perfect opportunity for thoughts that you have tuck aside in the day to sneak back to you at night, with a vengence.

I m presently doing a multi tab on all the plans, concerns, pro, cons, statistic, calculations that has been assulting me for quite some time. Raising quite a rush of panic in me haha, and the stupid thing is u can't do anything about anything in your room, at 4.am wearing PJs. And come morning all of them will just lurk themselves somewhere else while u get grumpy at work.

Sometimes break -ups is a gesture out of love.

2006-08-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Decided to post my blogs here from now on. It just seem more user friendly than my previous site.

Went to catch " The Break up" staring Jennifer Aniston ( aka Rachel in Friends). The seemingly romantic commedy is actually talking about a serious issue in relationship. Communication. Its not your usual romance commedy with a happy ending.The movies reflected how men and women communicate differently and how even when you both can't live without another , you still won't be able to live with each other.

It pinches me in a few way when the movie show how the couple manage to let each other slip further away because they could not communicate right. I m starting to wonder how come people are the most guard around the ones they love most. Maybe like the movies say, its about being vulnerable. Not many have the courage to take all they have and devote it to love. Most of us fear giving all and end up broken. I guess its human instinct to protect ourselves first. Whether it is dignity or love.